Chapter 6 (partial)
Robert reluctantly ran the store the first day. Customers were coming in and enquiring after Charles; many didn’t realize Robert was one of the Worthingtons but rather thought him to be an apprentice from a local family. Every one of Robert’s generalizations and ideas about how stuffy, pompous, and contrived the job, the vendors, and the customers were was in some way confirmed that day. The book keeping bored him and the close quarters of the shop itself gave him a feeling that he thought must be similar to being buried alive.
It was nearly dark by the time Robert closed up shop. He didn’t care how late it was. He needed fresh air and a nice breeze. As often happened when he set out on a walk, he found himself heading for the water. It didn’t matter that it was only the river Thames. The sounds of sailing and the sight of ships making their way towards docks for the night along with the whisper of the waves and calls of the various water birds, were enough to ease the knot of tension he felt between his shoulder blades. If he closed his eyes, he could remember the way it felt to row the dingy across the pond or how the rope in his hand stung as his arms strained to tie the boat securely.
Robert longed for the chance to prove himself at sea. His mother had never been very comfortable with the idea of sea travel and appealed successfully to her husband to exclude such means of transport from the family’s options. Samuel Worthington could afford to send other men on his orders across the ocean. There was no need for him to go himself and there was no way for him to live with his wife if he sent one of their sons on such a trip. Charles, while not pleased by his parents’ continued efforts to control and contain him, was sensible of their concerns and having no desire to leave England or his wife and possessing a tendency towards sea sickness, relented to the worried and wearied parents’ wishes.
Robert, not yet being of age, was still under the thumb of his father and had to hope that he would one day be able to convince the old man of the merit of sending Robert himself on one of the ships. In the mean time he had learned to deal with the almost physical pain caused by his unfulfilled desire for the sea. There were times when he thought of running off, lying about his age, and just setting sail. Staring at the horizon, tinged with orangey-purple at the very edge where the sun had only just set, this was one of those times when it was especially appealing.
He had to make an effort to go through his reasons for not going. Money, for one, though it wasn’t the most important or best reason. It wasn’t an absolute necessity but it was influential. His name was worth something but only to those who knew it and using his real name would also open him up to unforeseen dangers. The rock at the wedding had opened his eyes to just what his father did and who he dealt with. Robert was sure that there were ways Samuel Wothington’s enemies could find him and he tried to avoid letting his mind wander to what they might do to him. Money would allow him to better avoid such occurrences while still easing his way in as if under the family name. As usual, this particular point did little to sway his mind one way or the other.
The possible disgrace to the family was another such point. He would be sorry for the repercussions to the Worthington name for his brother’s sake but couldn’t muster up the sympathy for his parents. He’d made his case to them before and if they hadn’t listened to reason it was their own fault.
To be honest, Robert often wondered what it would be like to live in disgrace. Expectations wouldn’t be so unbearably high, in fact, with people expecting failure he thought he’d be more motivated to prove them wrong. Right now, all there was to work for was maintain a deceptively clean family name but to have to work to clear it might make it worth something.
Of course, his parents already expected failure from him, at least in comparison with Charles, and his motivation remained unaffected as of yet. He’d simply accepted his parents would always want him to be more like Charles and was still trying to make peace with that fact. As much as he sometimes hated Charles, he knew Charles wasn’t entirely pleased with the way their parents treated them and he did his best to make it up to Robert, but Charles was also on the receiving end of a better tasting and less poisonous tonic, unable to feel the full effect of what Robert was exposed to.
*This is where what I wrote in high school ends. I’m not sure when I’ll get back to finishing it (but I do hate leaving things unfinished so I hope to get back to it at some point).
