Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 11, Piece 2
I didn’t know where to look first. Even with the lights dimmed, I could see Robyn blushing with a dopey smile on her face as she hovered at Tyler’s side. She seemed to be going back and forth between being deliriously giddy and nauseatingly anxious. She was nodding way too much and the part of me that was grudgingly happy for her wanted to tell her not to try so hard. But most of me was too aware of Tyler’s eyes taking in the sight of Edwin standing awkwardly at my side unsure of what to do to lead me into the crowd.
However I was a little too distracted by the more surprising sight of Erin and Brian laughing as they spun one another around in a less inhabited corner of the dance floor. They spotted me and Edwin on the other side and waved us over. Wading into the crowd, I had one final moment of eye contact with Robyn before my attention was taken over by navigating unpredictably moving bodies and teetering on unfamiliar heels. There was something in her eyes that drew too much of my attention back in that direction and I actually had to lean on Edwin to catch myself. It could have been fear but it might just have been a side effect from kicking myself over the whole Tyler situation.
“Thought you were gonna go down there for a minute,” Erin said once the four of us had taken up residence next to a table with drinks.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 11, Piece 1
I was far more nervous than I had to be as I eased my foot onto the brake and came to a stop in a spot not too far from the entrance to the gym. Edwin fumbled with the door and rushed around to help me out. He wouldn’t have had the time to do so if I didn’t have to switch back from my flats into my heels.
I knew I was being ridiculous. It was the car that had me unnecessarily freaked. It was three days before the dance when my parents had surprised me with the car that Stacy had told me about weeks before. I guess I’d thought that, since I’d started actively changing things in reaction to Stacy’s arrival, everything else would continue changing as well. Until the car, most of what Stacy had said would happen, hadn’t actually happened.
As I took Edwin’s arm and let him lead me towards the cheaply decorated gymnasium, my mind raced as scenarios unfolded that all ended with slight variations of Stacy’s stories. I adjusted the corsage that didn’t quite match my dress and fought the urge to hyperventilate. There was nothing to worry about, I told myself. Even if it didn’t quite feel like it, I was in control.
Parents and teachers made up most of the chaperone pool but in a pinch one of the photographers or a music technician would be called on to stand guard at the many exits, herding decked out students through the stations at the entrance and towards the dance floor. My eyes strained to catch sight of Erin and Robyn but flashes from the photo station near the entrance was clearly making me see things.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 10
I didn’t mention anything about Edwin’s invitation to Brian in the car the next morning. He hadn’t asked me, yet, so I was content with waiting for him to bring it up. And he didn’t so I let it go.
I was supposed to tutor Mercedes so I went to our usual table in the library to wait for her. She came in a few minutes late and I know she saw me but she pretended she didn’t and went over to Bobby. He too scanned the library and, though his eyes rested on me for a moment, he shook his head at her before they got up and left holding.
I was furious. I began throwing my things into my backpack when someone cleared their throat behind me. I spun and was face to face with Tyler.
“Mercedes is skipping our session this morning,” I told him, continuing to abuse my textbooks.
“I was actually looking for you. You see Mercedes and I… well, let’s just say it was a mistake.”
The fact that he was carrying on a casual conversation with me as if it was something we did regularly only added to my fury.
“I have a question for you. It’s about Winter Formal.”
There were so many people I wanted to strangle at that moment, but none more than myself.
“I’m going with Edwin,” I said before he had a chance to finish. I just wanted to get out of there.
“I was going to ask if you thought Robyn would go with me,” he said a little sheepishly. “You’re such good friends and, I mean, I did think of you at first, but I just thought you’d be going with that Brian kid.”
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 9
“Oh,” she said, surprised by my admission. “Good for you. You two’ll have fun.” Then she went back to getting her things in order for an evening of studying.
“That’s it? After all the crap you gave me, that’s all you have to say?”
“You finally made the right decision. You don’t need me to lecture you,” she said opening a notebook to a clean page before finding her place in the textbook. “At least, not right now,” she amended.
I could hear someone moving around downstairs so I left the attic to Stacy before I started yelling. In fact, I left my room entirely.
“Anya,” Mom said from her perch on the sofa. The television was on some game show but it was muted and she was clipping coupons. “Did you finish your homework?”
I rarely had as much homework as I pretended to have. It was just an easy excuse for keeping out of their way.
“Yeah. With Thanksgiving and Winter Formal coming up, the teachers have been going easy on us.”
“Well that sounds nice. Your father’s working late tonight I’m afraid so it’s just us. If I’d realized you would be free I could have rented a movie or something for us. It’s been a while since we’ve had a Girls’ Night.”
“That’s okay. Actually, speaking of the dance, I’m going to need to get a dress. Could you give Robyn, Erin, and me a ride Saturday?”
“Of course. Did that Brian boy ask you? He seems nice.”
“Actually, I’m going with my chem. lab partner, Edwin.”
“Be careful, Dear. Isn’t that the boy that set the class on fire?”
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 8
“Is this a joke?” his voice came back over the phone line after a minute. “Are you calling on a dare or what?”
“Actually, I’m being serious.” I wanted to feel offended at his lack of trust but I doubted I would have been acting any differently if I had been in his shoes. “I know, I didn’t exactly react enthusiastically earlier,” I admitted, just wanting to get it over with. I was already beginning to regret acting on this particular impulse. “But I’m saying ‘yes’ now. If you don’t want me to go with you, just say so.”
“No, I still want you to be my date. We can talk more about it tomorrow I guess. Oh, just as a heads up, I think my dad’s gotta work that night so it’ll be my mom that drives us.”
“Great and just one thing,” I didn’t want him to hang up before I had a chance to clarify the point that would bug me the most. “I am your date that night, but we’re going strictly as friends, okay. I mean, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I don’t want to lead you on or be misunderstood.” You know, it didn’t sound quite that pompous in my head.
“Yeah,” he said slowly and in a tone that, to my ears, was clearly offended by my remarks. “I got it. Don’t worry. Bye.”
Stacy came in a minute later with only a nod of greeting before heading up to the attic. I followed her up and blurted out, “Well, you should be happy with me right now. I’m not going to the dance with Tyler. Edwin asked me and I just called to tell him yes.”
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 7
“Are you kidding?” Erin was disappointed that I wouldn’t divulge anything and shook her head a little at me. “Fine. Someone else come up with something to talk about then. I’m done.”
But apparently no one else had anything else to say so we finished the meal in relative silence. Brian and I ended up walking in the same direction after lunch. It was the perfect opportunity for him to ask me to the dance if he was going to but he said absolutely nothing. Well, nothing about the dance: he insisted on giving me a ride to work after school.
Maybe I’d been wrong about him wanting to have the safety net of an audience in which I couldn’t stand to humiliate him. But if he asked in privacy it made the whole thing more sincere and just the thought of it made me feel uneasy.
But again, I was wrong. The ride to the deli was just as devoid of Winter Formal talk as the rest of the time we’d spent together that day.
By the time I made it home after work, I was worried. Tyler and Mercedes might break-up soon but what if he wasn’t going to ask me after all? I guess I’d been counting on Brian being a back-up more than I realized.
In a moment of panic, I found myself punching numbers into the phone and saying, “Hey Edwin. I just talked to my parents and it looks like I will get to go to Winter Formal. If you’re still interested, I’d love to go with you.”
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 6
Edwin and I made it through the rest of lab saying very little to one another. I evaded glances from Robyn and Erin, convinced they would be able to tell what had happened just by looking at me and I vowed not to say anything unless directly asked.
As it turns out, they weren’t as perceptive as I’d given them credit for. At least, neither of them mentioned anything to me in the hall after class or even at lunch. Brian didn’t mention anything about the dance either. I was pretty sure that if he was going to ask me, he would make sure there were people around. He knew me well enough to know I wouldn’t be able to say ‘no’ if it meant humiliating him like that.
Instead we were indulged with another tale of Mercedes’ gym class antics courtesy of Erin.
“She does everything she can to throw herself in Bobby’s way and then rub it in his face that she’s with Tyler. It’s disgusting. I’m embarrassed for her.”
Robyn carefully stayed out of it by keeping her mouth conveniently occupied with her carrot sticks. Not saying anything in Mercedes’ defense was the closest Robyn would come to actively showing her dislike for anyone.
Brian, of course, had nothing to contribute. He sat and ate while we engaged in girl-talk as if he weren’t there. It was like he was conducting a psych experiment.
“Come on Anya,” Erin prodded as the silence dragged on. “You’ve gotta have some dirt to contribute.”
“I don’t think I can,” I joked. “Isn’t there some kind of tutor/tutee confidentiality or something?”
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 5
I couldn’t believe Stacy hadn’t told me anything to prepare me. Or maybe it hadn’t happened to her. Maybe she was right and our timelines were beginning to diverge more noticeably.
“You don’t have to answer,” Edwin said, breaking into my little revelation. “I… I understand. You probably already have a date. Just forget I said anything.”
I always was a sucker for guilt. “No, Edwin. Actually you’re the first to ask me,” my mouth began without consulting my brain. Why did its default setting have to be honesty? “It’s just that I haven’t decided yet whether I’m even going to go. I’ve had a lot going on and Winter Formal would just be adding more to my plate.”
“Oh,” Edwin said sitting a little straighter on the stool. He pulled himself closer to the bench and pushed the Bunsen burner towards me. “Well, you don’t have to decide anything right now.”
“Thanks for, you know, asking me,” I said as I scanned the lab instructions and turned the gas on. He may not have been my first choice but it was flattering nonetheless.
Edwin held the lighter out for me but Dr. Henchley’s back was turned so I nodded for Edwin to try lighting it. He hesitated but there must have been some deep-seated desire to appear macho so he gave it a shot. He almost had it a few times but at the last second some muscle in his arm or hand chickened out. When the fumes started to give me a headache I finally lit the damn thing myself.
“You know, it’s okay if you don’t want to go with me,” he said slouching on the stool again.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 4
I knew Brian liked me; I had just been ignoring the fact because I didn’t him to say anything about it and make things awkward (especially since we were around each other with the whole Stacy situation). Part of me dreaded seeing him at lunch every day. Of course the other part of me was growing to enjoy his company.
And as I grew more and more desperate with the date of Winter Formal getting closer and closer, with Tyler showing no signs of breaking up with Mercedes, I was becoming more and more tempted by the idea of agreeing to go with Brian (and no, he hadn’t asked me yet, but I was pretty sure it was just a matter of time).
It turned out I was a little late for chemistry. Dr. Henchley was usually stricter about punctuality but on lab days he was too distracted with setting up the equipment to notice the stragglers. Robyn and Erin already had their goggles on and were struggling to light their Bunsen burner. Edwin sat patiently on a stool pushed out from the table with his safety equipment on and his hands folded at his sides. The directions sat on the table, our Bunsen burner was off, and the lighter lay carefully arranged beside them.
“Howdy partner,” Edwin said as I put my backpack down and grabbed my safety gear off the hook on the wall.
“Hi Edwin.”
“Anya,” he said hesitantly. “I know it’s early and you probably already have a date… but would you like to go to Winter Formal with me?”
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 3
I was ready to tear someone’s head off for the rest of the day. There was no one I could really talk to about it except Stacy or Brian. It seemed mean to even think about bringing it up with Brian and Stacy wasn’t there, wouldn’t care, or would turn around and lecture me if I brought it up. I couldn’t decide if he was starting to like me or if I was just trying too hard, reading into it too much.
Stacy’s words kept popping into my head at unwelcome times. I knew that she wanted me to change things by turning Tyler down, but could it really already have changed? Would Tyler and Mercedes stay together or would he ask out someone else? Who else could he, would he ask?
What if he did ask someone else to the dance? Where would that leave me? Should I start trying to find a date elsewhere? Maybe I’m supposed to start looking for a date somewhere else. Maybe that’s what pushes him to finally dump Mercedes. But what if he thought about asking me but saw that I was showing interest in someone else and that made him decide not to ask me?
Maybe I just shouldn’t plan to go to the dance at all.
I was so self-absorbed in my reveries, Brian snuck up on me.
“Hey Anya.”
“Brian, hi.”
“Do you mind if I eat with you guys again today?”
“You don’t have to ask every day, Brian. Just eat with us.”
He looked like he was trying to hide a smile. “Then I guess I’ll see you at lunch.”
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 2
The next day was one of the days Mercedes was spending her study with Tibby but she had apparently not mentioned it to Tyler. He was waiting at the door of the library when the period was over. My first thought was that maybe he’d dumped her and was here to finally ask me out but his face fell a little when he saw I was alone.
A pep talk to myself was in order but had to wait until I could be alone. The bathroom after the start of next period would be fine. It was the first time I didn’t want him to talk to me because I was afraid I might let loose a tear or two. I didn’t want him to seek me out so of course he did.
“Hey Anya. I guess you weren’t working with Mercedes this morning.”
I shook my head and pretended to look for someone in the hall behind him.
“I must have gotten my days mixed up or something. Mercedes is always talking about how I don’t listen to her. Whatever you do don’t tell her she’s right.” He chuckled and I looked at my feet.
“Listen, Anya, it’s great that you’re helping Mercedes out. She hates to admit that she needs it and she’s not the easiest person to… anyway, I know it’s helping her out a lot.” I’m not sure what made him say that but it got awkwardly quiet for a moment (because it was my turn to talk and I didn’t), then he said, “Well, better get to class,” and walked off.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 10, Piece 1
Stacy came home late that night. She woke me up knocking discreetly on my window. Dad had kept me up watching the baseball game (game five of the World Series and it went into extra innings). Luckily, the teachers would be just as exhausted as the students the next day. They weren’t allowed to completely cancel homework and tests and things, but they were doing it anyway.
Tired as I was, there was one thing I wanted to ask Stacy before I would allow her into the attic.
“When is Tyler going to break up with Mercedes and ask me to Winter Formal?”
“What? No ‘where have you been?’ That’s one I know right now.” She yawned and tried to move past me.
“I’m serious,” I said blocking her way. “Okay, so the dance is still a few weeks away, but he’s got to break up with her before then. When does it happen? Next week?”
Stacy was avoiding eye contact. “Why does it matter?”
Maybe it was because I just wanted to go to bed and be able to sleep, but I didn’t get upset with her the way I usually do. “I have to tutor Mercedes. How can I do that when I know what’s going to happen?”
She tried to hide the fact that she was pleased by my admission of a guilty conscience. “The timeline might not be the same.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It might not happen at all,” she said giving me a meaningful look.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 10
I put twenty dollars down on the Orioles and motioned for Peter to do the same. He bet everything I had given him. Then we settled in to watch the game unfold. I remembered how my father watched the World Series every year, regardless of who was in it. Whenever he got a little drunk he’d go over his favorite series of all time. One of which was this 2016 series, he had rooted for the Orioles who dropped behind every game and yet still managed to come back. This one would be a great one.
Peter started twitching his leg as the Mets went ahead by more and more runs. He took me aside during the seventh inning stretch and berated me a little. Not only did I ignore him, I gave him another five dollars and suggested he see what they’d do about the odds if he added more to his bet for the Orioles. When he refused, I said, “Fine. I’ll do it.”
The Orioles came back sending the game into extra innings where they won by a single run. Most of the guys were shocked and I kept making the excuse that I love a long shot. I quietly left and waited in the parking lot for Peter. He was still in shock as he emerged about fifteen minutes later.
I crossed over to him and gave him half of what I’d won with that extra five dollars. “I’ll see you around, Pete,” I said before heading home. He was speechless as he watched me walk away.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 9
We exchanged a few pleasantries but focused on the game. I wasn’t exactly trying to win a lot but he was. It was sad to see his pile of chips start out so much bigger than mine and drop to next to nothing so quickly. With one chip left, he started rooting around in his wallet for more cash but came up with only a five. It was enough to get him another chip.
He busted. I played it safe and only lost one chip. I still had about nine but all I needed was five. I pushed three of mine over to him.
“I can’t… Thank you but, I’m out.” He pushed back from the table and started walking away. I cashed out and followed. Over his shoulder he saw me coming and stopped by an overstuffed shelving unit.
“Stacy, right? How’s that all working out for you?” He looked at the floor as he asked, probably ashamed that what I’d paid him was already gone (it cost me a lot to have all that taken care of).
“It’s working great. Listen,” I held out a wad of small bills. “Take this.”
“I couldn’t possibly…”
“I’m not asking or offering, I’m telling. Take it. Avoid blackjack. The baseball game’s starting in a few minutes. Follow my lead.”
I lead him to a sofa in front of a big screen television with a scratch running down the screen (a busted floor model). The Orioles and Mets were getting ready to play game five of the World Series, tied at two games apiece.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 8
I went around back to the loading bay area and spotted Johnny Lyndon smoking on his break.
“Hey Johnny,” I said walking up to him.
“Hey Gorgeous. Got any tips for me?”
“Quit while you’re ahead,” I said with a wink. Then I pulled the butt from his mouth and stamped it out on the pavement.
“Sweetie, you’re killin’ me.”
“Not as fast as those things will.”
He pulled another cigarette from his pocket and lit up. “If you’re not nice to me, I won’t let you in.”
I had a twenty waiting and handed it over. “Use on the patch, okay. Not another pack.”
“Would you go out with me if I quit?”
“You’ll have to try it and see,” I said with a wink and headed for the door. “You’ll definitely be more attractive when you stop smelling like an ashtray.”
I went down the hall and around a corner to an old storage room. I always felt there should have been a secret knock or something but you really just had to walk right in. Johnny was pretty much it for security. But then, it wasn’t my place to tell Tony how he should be running things. I made it my business to try and stay off his radar. That’s why I headed for the blackjack table in the corner. Another two twenties and I was playing. I always bet low and tried to play smart. I gave a little to show respect. Plus, I had time to kill.
Peter Hodgeson sat next to me and handed over a couple of fifties, joining the game.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 7
Anya was working that afternoon but I had the day off so I went back home to wait for her. I couldn’t say anything to her about my day without getting those disgusted looks from her but all I had to do at that point was mention the Tyler Affair to come and she’d blush and leave me alone.
It’s weird, living with yourself. You’d think that, since you already know pretty much everything about each other, you’d wind up being best friends. Not the case, at all. Anya and I were like me and the roommate I’d had freshman year. We occupied the same space, knew each others’ shameful secrets, and had an unspoken pact to keep our mouths shut about everything.
Truth be told, I was lonely. None of my friends had met me or if they had, it was really Anya they were friends with. I could have tried to meet them, but they were all ten years younger than when I knew them so trying might get me arrested. Brian, the only person aside from Anya who knew the truth about me, was still at the point where he would jump off a building if Anya asked him to.
So, instead of staying in my Attic of Solitude and Self-Loathing, I decided to head out. Anya would whisper-yell at me when I snuck in through the window after dark. I went to one of the only places that made me feel like I had a handle on things: the WonderMart at the end of Elm Street.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 6
“DeeDee,” he said with a smile. They leaned into one another for a cute little kiss. I thought I might be sick. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”
“Well, you did warn me you were handing back exams today.” She chuckled. He always told me how annoying he’d found her chuckle but as I watched him, he laughed quietly to himself and continued smiling.
Roger and I were together for a few years before this time experiment went haywire so I knew pretty much all of his expressions at that point. I knew that when he was fake-smiling, he got these creases near the sides of his mouth. I called them his dishonest dimples. Even with a microscope, I wouldn’t have been able to find them on his face at that moment. I had to get out of there.
“Thanks for the help… Professor,” I said over my shoulder. It sounded so formal and so wrong, I ended up spitting it out. I wouldn’t let myself look at them again as I tried to retreat casually. But they were following me back down the hall away from his office, so their conversation chased after me.
“My mother has the kids tonight,” she said suggestively. Gag.
“Happy anniversary to us.”
“Five years already. Wow.”
I headed upstairs just to get away from them. At the top I sat down and covered my ears in case their voices were still carrying up the stairwell. I closed my eyes to keep away the image of them together and happy.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 5
I had fond memories of that office and was a little taken aback when the student before me in line walked past and Roger called me in. It was neat, organized, photos in silver frames on shelves with textbooks. The calendar wasn’t covered with post-it notes but legible ink. There was a large framed photo of Roger and his wife on their wedding day right under the desk lamp and next to his computer. I’d seen her before, well, her picture before, but not this one. None where they were both smiling and apparently happy.
“Please, take a seat,” he said motioning towards a chair against the wall. I sat down and bounced a little to see if the uncomfortable spring was still where I remembered or if this was that chair’s predecessor.
“What can I do for you?” he said to redirect my attention.
“I was just wondering if you had any suggestions to help me with my essays for the next exam.” I handed him my test.
He glanced at it briefly then stood up, handing it back to me and gently ushering me back out to the hallway.
“You did fine on the multiple choice so I think you just need help putting it into your own words. Read over my comments and find someone in the class to study with next time. Record your answers to practice questions and that should help.”
“Will you be doing a study session or…”
“No. Sorry to hurry you but I was supposed to meet my wife fifteen minutes ago.”
“Twenty,” she corrected from just outside the hall.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 4
I sat in the same seat I did the last time I took the class. Second row, third in from the window. I’m not one of the over-eager front row students, but I don’t call attention to myself by sitting as far away as possible either. Of course, by the time I finished the class last time, I’d moved to the front.
There were a few students lined up to talk to him about the test we’d just gotten back. I hadn’t quite failed. Somehow I had remembered enough of what he’d told me about how he sets up the multiple-choice sections of exams to pass. But I’d only rambled on in the essays and he’d noticed. That was where I planned to ask for help.
I took my spot at the end of the line and when anyone tried to get behind me, I offered them my spot. “I’m done classes for the day, why don’t you go ahead of me.” I wanted him to myself. Even if it meant I had to follow him to his office hours.
It must have been twenty minutes before there were only two kids in line ahead of me. Students for the next class stopped waiting outside the door and began filing into the room, murmuring to rush us all along.
“I’m sorry,” Roger said to the three of us left in line. “If you’ll follow me, I’ll try to speak to each of you.”
We trailed behind as he moved down the hall, up stairs, and down another hall to his office. I took a seat to wait my turn.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 3
From the moment I saw him again, I knew that I had to try.
I wish I’d been able to think of a better way to spend time with him than taking that damn theoretical physics class. Again. Even though this is my second time sitting through the class, I don’t understand it any better than last time. I get caught up in the way his voice changes when he’s excited about a point he’s trying to make, when he is desperate for us students to become as enthralled as he is.
I bought a tape-recorder this time around. Maybe it would help me follow what we’re discussing if I can make a word-for-word transcript of what he says. If I read it on the page, I can’t get lost in his voice right? Wrong. It takes forever to transcribe the recordings because I type a few words and then forget what I’m doing. The one time I did manage to finish typing a lecture, when I read it, I heard the memory of his voice and understood less, if that’s even possible.
So the other day, I hung back at the end of class to ask Roger if he had any suggestions for me. I thought it would be like last time, when he told me if I was having trouble I should go see him in his office and he’d give me some study guides, practice test questions, show me the kinds of things he was looking for in essays, etc.
It wasn’t anything like last time.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 2
Anya won’t know until she finds someone she feels about this way. I wonder who it will be for her now that I’m here. At times I wonder if it’s selfish of me, going after Roger like this. It wasn’t until after I met Roger that I understood how this, how love, really feels. Am I taking it away from her? No. Like Brian always says, Anya and I aren’t the same person anymore. She’ll find someone else. I hope for Brian’s sake it’s Brian but I doubt it.
She thinks not only that I’m making a mistake but that I’m making the same mistake I made before. But it wasn’t a mistake. Okay, yeah, I wound up stuck here in the past. Maybe volunteering to be a guinea pig for a time traveling experiment shows poor judgment on my part. But Roger isn’t the mistake. And actually, doing it this way will probably turn out better for all of us.
I remember Roger telling me about when things first started going wrong between him and his wife. That’s why I got sent back to this time. I wasn’t supposed to interfere, but I also wasn’t supposed to get stuck here. Since I am stuck here, I’m going to do what I can. Roger always said he wished he’d met me earlier. So we’d have more time together. So his marriage with DeeDee would have ended before it became so unbearable. So it would have ended before his kids were old enough to turn against him.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 9, Piece 1
Okay, that’s enough from Anya for a while. She thinks she knows everything and maybe she does have more sense since I came along, but even if things are going to turn out different this time around, I still know better what to look out for. So, I think it’s high time you heard my side of things.
I was an irresponsible brat for a long time. I messed up a lot but then I met someone who made me realize I could do something worthwhile, that I was worth something just being myself. I learned that I could make someone happy and he made me happy too.
So maybe our relationship did have a scandalous beginning. And there were problems because of Roger’s ex-wife. But what relationship doesn’t have issues? As far as I’m concerned, this situation now is fate. Of course I miss him as I knew him. I miss my friends and my life in the future. But this is an opportunity for a kind of happiness beyond what we could ever have had in the future I left behind.
I’m rambling. Anya is better at keeping these things straight than I am but it’s hard reliving things this way. I’m getting used to the idea that there are certain things I won’t be able to get back. He’ll never remember the real first time I met him or the fact that he was the one who started calling me Stacy. I’ll tell him these things someday. Eventually I’ll tell him the truth and he’ll understand it all. Perhaps he’ll even perfect what he started six years from now.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 8, Piece 10
I didn’t expect to see Stacy when I got home but the ladder to the attic was swaying a little when I entered my room.
“It’s just me,” I called as I set my backpack down. “I thought you had to work.”
When I turned back to my bed she was sprawled out on it with a magazine the way I’m guessing she had been before she heard me coming.
“Mr. Reed let me go early cause the store was pretty dead. How’d it go with Mercedes?”
“Like you don’t already know.” But I wasn’t trying to be mean or snarky. I was tired of being mad at Stacy. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes she did.
“Hey, it might have gone differently this time.”
“We fought a little and then she sat there staring at Bobby while I studied out loud.”
“Okay, so it went exactly the same. But don’t worry about it too much. Mercedes just takes a little getting used to. She’ll warm up to you soon.”
“I thought you said she keyed your car?”
“I never said I blamed her, just that she’s a little crazy.”
The resolution to not be mad at Stacy was fading fast. She made it so hard with her half-telling me everything. “She’s not even really interested in Tyler. She’s still hung up on Bobby.”
“I know,” Stacy said flipping the page calmly. “That’s why he dumps her.”
“So why should she care if he sees someone else?”
Stacy looked up and gave me an exasperated look. “Just think about it for a minute. Think about who he picked and why he might have picked them.”
Then it hit me and I flushed.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 8, Piece 9
I was reeling the rest of the day from that brief exchange with Tyler. I didn’t care that Brian sat with us at lunch again that day. Robyn and Erin were more natural and the conversation flowed better. Of course, that day the conversation was also centered around my morning tutoring Mercedes.
“So how did it go?” Erin finally said when Robyn was too polite to ask.
“It was weird,” I admitted. “She didn’t want to get partnered with me, that’s for sure.”
“You think she had anyone in mind?” Robyn piped in once the ice had broken.
“She kept staring at Bobby Dickson. Looked like he was helping someone else on the other side of the library.”
Erin snorted. “She probably signed up before she dumped his ass after gym.”
“Maybe. She does need help, even though she won’t admit it. I ended up sitting there studying out loud for thirty minutes. It was awkward. I hope it goes better next time.”
“So you’re going to keep tutoring her?” Erin sounded disgusted.
“Unless Ms. Mallory says I don’t have to. And it isn’t really tutoring. But maybe next time she’ll let me put one of the strategies I mentioned into place.”
“You put a lot of thought into this,” Brian observed.
I nodded and focused on my food. The others were kind enough to let the subject drop and moved on to talking about something else. On the way out of the cafeteria, Robyn discreetly asked me if I’d seen Tyler at all. I held her back while Brian and Erin got out of range before telling her about talking to Tyler. Robyn was the only one who understood how so little could be so exciting.
Living with Myself: A Serial Episode 8, Piece 8
And with that she was gone about five minutes before the bell was supposed to ring. “Yeah, sure. Works for me. I take it you’re not going to talk to Ms. Mallory then. That’s fine.” I know it only makes me look crazy, talking to myself like that, but every once in a while I can’t help myself.
“You look crazy when you do that.”
Brian had come up to the table when I had bent over to shove everything into my backpack.
“I’m aware of that.”
“How did it go?”
“It was frustrating at first but ultimately fine.”
“Where you headed?”
“Chem lab.”
“I’m headed the same direction,” he said with a gentlemanly sweep of the arm.
“What a coincidence.” If we weren’t sort of friends, I’d definitely think he was stalking me.
“How’s Stacy doing with that theoretical physics class?”
“I don’t want to know. She’ll probably be asking you for help soon though. We both know how well she understood it the first time around.”
At the door we ran into Tyler. He was looking around, probably for Mercedes though he was trying not to be too noticeable about it.
I made sure that I was on the side where I’d brush closest to him instead of Brian. Sure enough, in the rush of people leaving the library there was a moment where I could quietly explain, “Mercedes left to find Tibby a few minutes ago.”
“Oh, yeah. Thanks. I think she did mention that earlier. Must’ve forgotten.”
I wanted to say something else but the crowd shifted and Brian and I got swept in the other direction.
